Dear Sir or Madam:
I am writing this letter as a plea, an appeal to your kind mercies. I should first explain that I purchased a pair of yoga pants, the "Kung Fu Pant (Tall)". I must say that these yoga pants are responsible for some very big changes in my life. Before my Kung Fu pants, I was resigned to the everyday humdrum of wearing jeans. Can you imagine? If I had ever needed to do a jump kick, I would have landed right on my back. "Look at that guy!" my assailants would say, over shrieks of laughter, "He sure can't kick high in those pants!" I would sob, because deep down, they were right.
Since I am not one to leave these sorts of things to chance, I bought a pair of the Kung Fu Pants. In the three weeks I have owned them, I have not once been mugged. They clearly are causing the criminal element to think before accosting somebody who could possibly kick their noses. I am pleased to say that the pocket arrangement is perfect, giving ease of access to my wallet, keys, and day's supply of leechee nuts.
The other big way that your pants changed my life is that they look chic and stylish, but are totally comfortable. I am now able to enter French restaurants because of these pants. The total flexibility offered my Kung Fu Pants allows me to sneak past the maitre d', and into the kitchen directly, where I am able to stuff a duffel bag full of Pan-bagnat. I am no longer refused entry into trendy clubs, because I now have the pants needed to shimmy through the ductwork. People assume I am superhero, because I walk with the type of step that says "I can leap over something in a single bound." I sometimes do, for practice. I can now leap over my coffee table, but I smashed my ceiling fan with a misjudged high-kick. "With great power comes a great loss to your damage deposit". But the path to glory is littered with broken ceiling fans, and I soon realised that these pants turned me into a stealthy, kung fu superhero.
Anyways, the reason for this letter is that I implore you consider the very-real possibility of these pants falling into the wrong hands. I own several pairs in black, part of my neighborhood vigilante costume. I owe my success, and indeed my life to the sleek, agile design of the pants. If these were to fall into the hands of say, super-villains, I would have my work cut out for me. Therefore, I urge you to remove that chemical dye, or whatever secret ingredient it is that makes those pants so able to sneak and do kung fu. I think Lululemon can sell a regular version, and still make a profit. Is Lululemon not able to say "no" to the fast money and loose women offered by super-villainy? Remember: Just because your pants changed my life for good, and caused me to quit my job to become a vigilante superhero, doesn't mean a budding super-villain won't pick up a pair, and before you know it, he has a doomsday scenario, nuclear-powered trebuchet. So play it safe, and go back to making regular yoga pants.
Just in case you have accidentally given Kung Fu Pants to would-be super-villains, it is imperative that I be provided with an additional pair of "Kung Fu Pant (Tall)". I need all the help I can get in this upcoming war against evil, a war, I may add, you started by unleashing these pants upon the world. Act now! Remember, providing me with the tools to fight crime shouldn't be too much of a "stretch". I am a size 34".
Yours Sincerely,
Melvin Snurtz, aka "The Human Moose"
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