As some (none?) are aware, I use the pseudonym "Melvin Snurtz" sometimes, especially if I am writing letters. I don't really want to explain Melvin, since he wears many hats. Let's read some letters...
Dear Sheena,
Thanks so much for your interest in Melvin Snurtz & Sons Insurance, a division of Skummco
™
.
Sadly my sons, Neville and Thad, were killed last year by Colombian drug smugglers. My son Neville was trying to explain that the lack of fire-extinguishers and bathrooms would make the makeshift-drug sub harder to insure. Meanwhile my other son Thad was busy trying to carve a monkey out of a coconut. He even had the little umbrella ready, still soggy from his nineteenth Pina Colada.
I digress. I will now save a fortune on my letterhead. (It's true! A regular refill container of ink contains only 10-25 millilitres of liquid. That translates into a cost of about $1,500 to $2,000 per litre! It's 7 times more expensive than 1987 Dom Perignon! Another example of how we pinch the pennies, sometimes benefiting you! Future printed missives will have all vowels cut out to save on print costs! Brllnt!).
Let's talk about your sub, Sheena. At first, based on your crude napkin sketch, we didn't think you actually had sub to insure. Imagine our surprise when RCMP-surveillance photos of your last submarine party revealed you to be the owner of an Ohio-class nuclear submarine! USS G. Gordon Liddy is now a licensed pleasure craft, featuring deep, deep sea fishing, as well as aerial hunting using Tomahawk cruise missiles. But did you know, that an improperly aimed missile might make YOU liable for the damages? Naturally I suggest the "Fifty-Fathoms For Friends & Family" insurance package; it's tailor-made for submarines that have been converted for recreational use.
It includes:
- generous $400 liability for any accidental missile strike (not counting nuclear, chemical, or biological)
- complimentary eye patches for you and your friends
- free windshield replacement
Also, if you have any problems with with either the RCMP or the Canadian Navy, we offer FREE legal advice!*
Yours Aquatically,
Commodore Melvin Snurtz, Submarine Insurance Expert
* Legal advice will be as follows: we will advise you to hire a lawyer.
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Dear [PATRICK]
We at Skummco™, are [SAD] to hear of your recent [RELATIONSHIP ISSUES]. We have always thought as our company as being there for you behind the ups and downs, and if you have received this letter and you are not presently a member of any class-action lawsuit against us, please keep reading.
You or your family members have probably enjoyed such fine products as "Gristle-Tots", "Chester's Corrugated Crustini", or even "SkummFu"; the tasty tofu-substitute (ingredients: Stercobilin, natural dye). We have always considered you a member of the Skummco family, and one of our family rules is "Lawsuits are for Crybabies". We hope you don't ever sue us for using any of the above products. Our Tastegineers assured us that the side-effects wouldn't be noticed for decades.
So in closing, please take this warm, personalised message
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Melvin Snurtz
Skummco™ Customer Relations
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Dear Subscriber: constant exposure to your Skummco TV™ platform will result in your eyesight diminishing until everything in your apartment will be rendered into a non-HD blur: greyish-white blur -- TV? Pinkish blur -- Wife? Your Skummco set box should never be exposed to water. Use of Skummco while under the influence of cold medication is not recommended. When not in use, your Skummco box must be stored in its special cryo-chamber. Failure to maintain a precise air temperature of 24.6°C may result in the Skummco box exploding. Do not talk about your Skummco box while it is in earshot. Young children, the elderly, and people who have a slight limp should avoid contact with Skummco. Your contract for Skummco excludes your provider from any damages from explosions, poisonous gas clouds, radiation leaks, and solar flares. Do not unplug any cable from your Skummco box, as it is tied in with NORAD defense networks, and accidental launch of ICBMs (Inter-Continental Ballistic Missiles) may occur. You consent that any technical support for Skummco may be performed by anybody your provider deems qualified, including drop-outs from mime college. Should you have any concerns regarding the service, please contact technical support. One of our support mimes will pretend to be trapped in a glass box -- which won't be too much of a stretch for them, rest assured.
Best Wishes in your FFH (Future Friendly Home),
Melvin Snurtz, Skummco
™
Communications
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Dear Sir: As you may have heard, there's a serious product recall in effect. The "SnoJitsu" snowblower company accidentally shipped a container of snowblowers with top secret artificial intelligence chips installed where the auger guidance chip should be. It is imperative these faulty units be tracked down. Exposure to actual cold cause the AI. to go berserk: reported "breaks" in the belt are actually attempts by the snowblower to strangle their unsuspecting owners. The demented machines are also known to assimilate with other mechanicals. In one horrifying case, a snowblower in Boise, Idaho merged with a feller buncher and nearly decapitated the owner of a logging camp. Owners of British motorcycles should be particularly concerned, as the idea of driving around on a V-twin engine pleases the evil programming of the snowblower. Beware!
Melvin Snurtz, Senior Ambulance Chaser; Law firm of Prong, Alger, Wapcaplett, and Snurtz
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Dear Ms. Moore:
I represent the concerns of Snurtz's Surveillance; the ultra high-bidder for Edmonton Traffic Enforcement, White Minivan Division. Our motto: "Just because the Mayor's wife hired us to watch the babysitter, doesn't mean we won't blackmail her husband with the results"
Naturally the contract from the city was generous, especially considering we beat out cheaper companies that still indulge such frivolities as paper work and respect for personal liberties.
No, Snurtz's Surveillance still likes to do things the old-fashioned way: plain-clothed thugs who can work a telephoto lens, and cheap floozies who can smear a man's reputation faster than you can say "media-circus". As a result of our award-winning strategies in personal surveillance, and our alarming lack of scruples and human decency, we have also blackmailed Chilliwack, B.C into accepting a 400-year contract for "Snurtz's Static" -- the sole provider of T.V static to channels that might otherwise be blank and boring.
So with my business acumen taken care of, let's get to brass tacks: We have video surveillance of you driving your car, listening to provocative music, and rustling in your vehicle's console, possibly while looking for an Intratec TEC-9 pistol, illegally-modified for fully automatic fire -- ESPECIALLY WHEN THAT JERK CUT YOU OFF, AND YOU WANTED TO SPRAY HIS CAR WITH HOT LEAD, AND WATCH WHILE HIS GAS TANK EXPLODED, HIS SEATBELT MELTING INTO HIS MUSTARD-STAINED SHIRT, AND YOU WOULD THINK "HA-HA-HA, HE IS GETTING WHAT HE DESERVED!"... Er, I mean "or some other contraband". There was definitely rustling, and here at Snurtz's Surveillance, if it looks even remotely shady, we'll blackmail you for it.
So in return for our silence, we need a favour from you, Ms. Moore. Our agent, code-named "HADRIAN" informs us you will soon be involved in real-estate. Our proposal is that we get exclusive body-burying rights on any property that you have access to. Don't worry, it's not what you think! These are simply human remains we were technically paid to bury in expensive coffins we sold to people. Consider telling prospective buyers that their future home may in fact be built on an ancient burial mound. We at Snurtz's see it as win-win.
Sincerely,
Melvin Snurtz
Chief Investigator, Snurtz's Surveillance
P.S: blink your headlights twice if you agree
